Dysfunction Interrupted: What is Acceptable in a Relationship and What is Not?

If you have experienced any type of dysfunctional past it is likely that you have as an adult put up with behaviors and treatment that you should not have and not trusted yourself to speak up or move on. Sometimes the behaviors are something you grew up with, know how to handle and so you don’t even question them, but you know they make you feel badly. Your tolerance level for unacceptable is high and you may not realize it. You may overlook things that your friends would not tolerate for one minute.

Tolerating or accepting such behaviors takes its toll. You may feel depressed, anxious, angry or all of the above. You may not sleep well as you ruminate over how the person is treating you or a negative event that took place. You may not be able to focus as your mind reenacts the last disturbing thing he or she said. You may just have an uneasy feeling that something is very wrong. You may feel despair if you feel you are headed down the wrong road in a relationship again and feel helpless to stop it or at what point you should stop it. You may feel like you are “walking on eggshells” around the person, waiting for the next negative interaction to occur and hoping to prevent it.

Sometimes all you have is your intuition to go on, your brain knows when you aren’t being treated well, but due to ingrained dysfunctional thought patterns or beliefs you may be in over your head. In my last post pertaining to “red flags”, I cover this in more detail.

This simple guide will help you know when to bail before you get the life sucked out of you. For each item under “Unacceptable” there is a counterpart below in the “Acceptable” list that allows you to compare similar occurrences.

Unacceptable:

• Lies of any kind.
• Dating you or attempting a relationship while still married.
• Hurtful anger directed at you.
• Chronic anger of any kind.
• Putting you down, derogatory remarks.
• Ridiculing you in front of others.
• Refusing to discuss problems in the relationship.
• Withholding affection or physical contact as punishment.
• Telling you there are no problems when you have identified one, saying you are crazy for thinking that.
• Having no interest in your life, career, friends, dreams. Only interested in themselves.
• Flirting or handling other people in an inappropriate way then saying you are crazy when you bring it up.
• Not willing to discuss finances in relationship, elusive about money issues.
• Being chronically late or cancelling things frequently at the last minute.
• Secretive behavior that doesn’t make sense.
• Physical abuse of any kind. (There is no acceptable counterpart below)

Acceptable:

• Waiting till the appropriate time to tell you something important.
• Papers are legally filed in divorce court, they are not living with spouse.
• Situational anger directed at themselves.
• Infrequent upset with themselves or others.
• Playful teasing that doesn’t leave you feeling badly.
• Playful teasing that doesn’t leave you feeling embarrassed.
• Refusal to discuss problems until they have a chance to think calmly  about problems.
• Withholding physical contact due to a need for some space to process, not ongoing.
• Truly not understanding the problem but willing to listen and try to understand your side.
• Being too tired or busy to talk sometimes.
• Greeting someone with a cheek buff or handshake.
• Financially open if appropriate.
• Having to cancel things or be late once in a while due to work or something important.
• Secretive behavior around your birthday or other holiday.

This is not an exhaustive guide, there are of course many other behaviors that could go here, but it is enough to get you started. These are the main ones that cause people distress and they are usually the ones that send the red flags flying in your mind.

Learn to listen to yourself. Don’t settle for any of the above behaviors and don’t look for reasons why the person is that way or make excuses for them. It doesn’t matter if they are a narcissist, if they were abused as children, are a control freak or if they have an alcohol problem. None of that is something you can fix and it does not enhance your life in any way, shape or form. If you really love the person and they get help that sticks and corrects the problem, fine. In my experience, the individuals who exhibit the above unacceptable behaviors are usually not open to change. They manipulate you into thinking you should change or that you are crazy. Neither is true, don’t believe it. Move on.

If you feel you may suffer from dysfunctional thought patterns that are keeping you depressed, anxious or unable to break free from problematic behaviors, please visit us at Psychskills and get the free resources How to Stop Wasting Your Life Being Depressed, Anxious and Unhappy: The Top 10 Strategies of Emotionally Successful People and/or How to Break Free from 12 Dysfunctional Thought Patterns.